‘How old are you today?’ The key question that unlocked connection

By Deb Silverthorn

Glenna Hecht’s relationship with her mother changed again and again during her mother’s journey through dementia. In her book, “How Old Are You Today? Dementia, A Mother, A Daughter and the Game that Transformed Their Lives,” she shares the struggles and moments of connection she discovered along the way.

Turning caregiving for her mother into a simple game helped Hecht cope — and now she hopes it will help others.

“My mother lived until just 19 days before her 100th birthday,” said Hecht, a San Francisco native raised in Chicago and the only child of Gerry and Leo Hecht. “That’s pretty incredible, but the last decade was anything but.”

In 2002, Hecht moved to Dallas to work in human resources. When she began noticing changes in her mother’s memory and behavior, she initially assumed it was simply part of aging.

Five years later, her mother went missing in Chicago. Hecht flew home and found her standing outside her apartment wearing only a coat. At the hospital, doctors diagnosed her with dementia. Six weeks later, she moved her mother to Dallas.

“As an HR executive, I was used to fixing things,” Hecht said. “I thought I could fix this, that I could make it go away. I was looking for a magic pill.”

Determined to understand the disease, she attended support groups and educational programs and eventually earned an Assisted Living Certification. Still, none of it prepared her for the emotional challenge of connecting with her mother as dementia progressed.

That realization came during one difficult visit.

“One day Mom repeated something over and over, and I lost my cool,” Hecht said. “I ran out to my car and cried, and later again in my closet at home. When I went back to see her, I was quiet. Something shifted. I realized that if all I did was listen and be present, that was the best daughter I could be.”

Not long afterward, her mother began talking about a day at the beach, describing lunch with a sorority sister named Amy.

“After that, I would ask if she was at the beach,” Hecht said. “She would say ‘no,’ and the conversation was over. Eventually I said, ‘I forgot — how old are you?’ She looked at me and said, ‘guess.’”

That moment became the beginning of a daily ritual.

Each visit, Hecht asked the same question: “How old are you today?” The answer was different every time.

“One day I realized she didn’t know who I was,” Hecht said. “When I played the game, I understood she was an age from before I was born. She didn’t know me because I did not exist yet.”

Another day, her mother rocked an imaginary baby.

“She told me she was 39, the age when she gave birth,” Hecht said. “She introduced me to her ‘miracle baby,’ and that was me.”

The simple question opened a door into her mother’s memories.

“We lived through time travel stories,” Hecht said. “Sometimes she was 19 or 75, but she was always clear about what was happening in that moment. In those experiences, I learned so much about her and her life.”

It took Hecht 11 years to write “How Old Are You Today?” She hopes the book will help others caring for loved ones with dementia understand that connection, not correction, is often what matters most.

Making an impact has always been one of Hecht’s core values. She sponsors the GJ Hecht Scholarship of the Dallas Jewish Community Foundation for Women to Make a Difference, supporting undergraduates studying business and entrepreneurship. She also serves on the board of the Dallas Hebrew Free Loan Association and donates to several charitable causes.

Hecht is donating 30 percent of the book’s proceeds, with a goal of raising $2 million for dementia and Alzheimer’s research.

“It’s a heck of a goal,” she said. “But why not? I want this book in the hands of every caregiver because there’s potential to help a lot of people.”

In her mother’s final days, the game continued — but without words. Mother and daughter squeezed one another’s hands in response to the familiar question.

A celebration of life was later held on what would have been Gerry Hecht’s 100th birthday, attended by nearly 100 friends and family members.

Late in her life, during one New Year’s Day when she was 98, Gerry Hecht shared five rules she said had guided her life:

Learn something new every day.

Laugh every day.

Live every day.

Say “I love you” every day.

Be grateful for what you have.

“How Old Are You Today?” is available at howoldareyoutoday.com and on Amazon.