By Debbi K. Levy

Next Shabbat, Barry and I will celebrate our milestone 10th wedding anniversary. I feel very fortunate to share this milestone with you, the readers of the Texas Jewish Post, for you are our community. But in an age when the most trending buzzword is “transparency,” I think it best I walk the walk and confide the key ingredient that landed us in the space of celebration.

Barry and I sat in Rabbi David Stern’s office grinning from ear to ear with an engagement ring on my left hand twinkling and Barry putting out his “Feel-welcome-to-burst-into-applause-Rabbi Stern” vibes. Rabbi Stern did, indeed, convey that he would be delighted to meet us under the chuppah. The joy was palpable. I was lost in deep thought, determining which Kiddush cup we might use and if I should consider one pair of high-heeled shoes for both the wedding and dancing or if I should supplement them with an additional pair of flat shoes for my dancing feet. Hmmmmm. Rabbi Stern broke into my daydreaming with the suggestion that we spend three sessions with a premarital counselor prior to our wedding.

It was a good thing we both felt so comfortable with Rabbi Stern. We were then able to remind him that we were extraordinarily wise at our ages of 51 and 61, that we had both already been to a sacred “rodeo” and were now super-prepared. We practically winked at Rabbi Stern and our facial expressions read, “We got this.” Rabbi Stern was smiling a lot now, too, as he fetched a piece of paper from his desk with his list of excellent therapists.

If the rest of my column sounds like a love letter to our premarital therapist Adele Hurst, Ph.D., then so be it. Barry and I are equally certain that the tools and toolbox Adele crafted for us during our sessions not only gave us a path to a communicative marriage, but deeply strengthened our Jewish lives together.

One of the first queries from Adele was to describe our rituals as a couple. We just might have stared at her, perhaps even with blank faces, while we tried to concoct a response.

“Well, you better get yourself some rituals,” Adele informed us. And so we did.

Shabbat breakfast by ourselves each week, intentional communal service work, Shabbat and Festival services, Biblical Purim costumes with humorous planning, challah making, committing to meaningful donations together and studying the weekly parasha became ingrained in our calendars. It was almost too easy because we so enthusiastically took to formalizing Jewish rituals and learning to put a boundary around these marriage-enriching rituals. Before too long, our family came to expect where we would be, depending on the Jewish calendar, and Barry and I shared sacred time together that brought us uninterrupted joy. I do not think Barry and I would have separated our rituals as courageously as we did if it were not for Adele’s wise counseling. Our newly blended family could be, understandably, time-consuming, but Adele reinforced with us that we could be better as a couple with the bedrock of rituals supporting our marriage. It was true. Her foundational teachings helped us to thrive.

Ten years later, the engagement ring still sparkles, but our marriage sparkles more. Our Judaism continues to strengthen our lives and our family has grown to 19 members. Maxine Ellis Mandel was the last grandbaby welcomed into our little tribe last April, named for my mother, Linda Maxine Pearle, and Barry’s mother, Ethel Rothschild. We are beginning to make plans for our daughter Caroline’s wedding in 2026 and, a little further down the pipeline, Miles’ bar mitzvah in 2027. Barry and I enthusiastically take part in all the goodness and family activities we can, but continue to practice the respect for our glue, the rituals both Jewish and secular that nurture our love affair. “Got rituals?” I’d love to hear about yours too!

Kohenet Debbi K. Levy has been enjoying emails and connections that have arisen from her stories, and she welcomes the opportunity to connect with you at Debbiklevy@gmail.com.