Last week, I promised you some coronavirus humor. Can there actually be such a thing? Yes! It comes from folks who spend a lot of time collecting the funny-side aspects of the non-funniest things, and passing them on to others who might need and can accept such a gift — even if it has only a momentary effect. Below are some of my current favorites…
As a doctor’s daughter, I give first preference to this fanciful list of how the American Medical Association weighed in on our country’s earliest fight-the-plague strategy:
The allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The gastroenterologists had a sort of gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve. Obstetricians were sure everyone was laboring under a misconception; however, ophthalmologists thought it was just shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled “Over my dead body!” while pediatricians countered with “Oh, grow up!” Psychiatrists claimed it was madness, and radiologists thought they could see right through it, even as internists warned it would be a bitter pill to swallow. Most surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole business, but plastic surgeons said maybe this proposal could put a whole new face on the matter.
Podiatrists hailed early pronouncements as steps in the right, forward direction, but urologists were pissed off by any such idea. Anesthesiologists laughed that it this was all a gas, and the cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say anything against it. So in the end, all decisions were really made by the proctologists who left everything up to the You-Know-Whos in Washington!
And now: for some newly apropos uses of some old Yiddish favorites:
From a constantly complaining elder: “Oy Vey! This disease is mostly affecting us alte kakkers!”
From a minimizer: “I feel fine. I just have a bissel coronavirus.”
From a grandchild: “Yikes! This virus could kill my bubbe!”
From a non-worrier: “This is nothing! We’ve had much worse. Coronavirus is just bupkis!”
From a government critic: “Those folks in Washington have some chutzpah for telling us not to worry!”
From a businessman: “If this coronavirus quarantine keeps up, my shop will have to declare machula.”
From a listener to the news: “All the time now, you can’t tell emes from drek!”
A general opinion: “Feh! This farkakte disease is gonna drive everyone meshugah!”
Another opinion: What’s all this mishegas with coronavirus? Feh!”
Some relief: “Thank God we can still have a minyan as long as we remember to stand at least 6 feet away from each other!”
Something to worry about: “How can a mohel perform a bris from 6 feet away? Oy Vey!”
Something to hope for: “My grandson the doctor might discover the coronavirus vaccine. What nachas for the family!”
But then: “My grandson the doctor tells me to stay home all the time now. Such a noodge!” I can’t even go out for a nosh!”
So why complain: “Only a putz would go to the store during a quarantine to schlep back with a nosh!”
The solution: “With the coronavirus quarantine, we do have lots more time to kibbitz. So stop kvetching about it. There’s nothing we can do about it, anyway.
But we can all agree: This virus is causing everyone such tsuris!”