The Search for Beshert
By Tamar Caspi Shnall
Facebook has changed the dating world as we know it. Not only do you get to “publish” who you’re dating, but you can track every step from “in a relationship” to “engaged” to “married.” Of course, those news feeds include break-ups too. So it was a shocker when I found out that two separate friends of mine broke off their respective engagements via the networking Web site.
What’s more awkward is when the Facebook news feed informs me my ex-boyfriends have moved on. It doesn’t matter how long ago a relationship ended, who ended it or how it ended — it’s never easy to learn that your ex has met someone new. It’s even harder when your entire mutual world finds out about it along with you. And of course it was an entirely other level of devastating because at the time my status was still listed as “single.”
Facebook was how I found out my ex Mark* was selling his business and moving to a small town on the opposite coast. After a quick look at his profile page, I was able to quickly figure out he was moving to be with a girl — a non-Jewish girl. For some reason that irked me because this is the same guy who told me that one of the reasons he loved me so much was because I was Jewish, active in the community and shared the same values. I guess those qualities didn’t mean so much to him after all.
Facebook was also how I learned another ex got hitched. Suddenly, Greg’s profile went from “single” to “married” and I didn’t even know he was dating anyone! After a phone call to a mutual friend, I found out he broke up with me for the woman who is now his wife. A few months later he proposed and they were married not long after. Greg was the same guy who told me he wasn’t ready to get married because he had recently broken off an engagement. The same (and might I add, informative) mutual friend informed me that Greg didn’t think the pre-wedding relationship classes required by most rabbis were necessary. Great foundation for a new marriage, right?
The kicker was the engagement announcement posted by Sam. Sam and I met on JDate a few years ago while he was in the process of moving to town. We spent hours talking on the phone but just before we met I decided, unbeknownst to Sam, that he shouldn’t move to a new city and immediately enter a new relationship. Thus, the first date was excruciatingly awkward and ruined any hope of a future.
I felt as though I could make any guy commit, just not to me. All a guy has to do is date me and the next thing you know they’ve found their beshert — with the next girl. So I decided to look at it with a positive spin: I had done three mitzvahs. I broke Mark’s heart, turning him off to all Jewish girls and driving him to find Kristen. I was Greg’s rebound from his broken engagement, readying him to meet and marry Sharon. And I pushed Sam away and into the arms of Lisa. I feel like I was instrumental in bringing three couples together and I was rewarded with my beshert not long after. And you bet I got a secret thrill when I changed my Facebook status along the way!
(*all names have been changed)
Tamar Caspi Shnall recently married a Dallasite but has 15 years’ worth of dating advice to share! If you have any dating dilemmas you can e-mail her at: email@example.com.