By Laura Seymour

Dear Families,

There is a wonderful book (actually volumes 1 and 2) titled “How to Be a Perfect Stranger – A Guide to Etiquette in Other People’s Religious Ceremonies,” edited by Arthur J. Magida and Stuart M. Matlins. It guides you through what to do when visiting another religion’s services. It is incredibly helpful, yet as most of us know, it is not just the different religions — often you find differences in different places within the same religion.

As a matter of fact, many people assume that if they have been to one synagogue, it will be like every other one. Of course, there are differences among the denominations, but even the Reform temple you grew up in may have different ways of doing things than the one just in the next town over. So how are you to know what to do?

There is a country song I once heard called “I’ve Got the What Page Are We On in the Prayer Book Blues,” and it asks, “Do we stand or sit …?” MyJewishLearning.com had an article questioning the standing vs. sitting issue. The easiest solution is to go to a synagogue where the rabbi or president of the congregation says, “Please rise” and “You may be seated.”

Some prayers make it easy — the Amidah literally means “standing.” However, it is often said silently first, when people are up and down depending on when they finish, and then back up when it is repeated by the congregation. We also stand for Barekhu, Aleinu, Hallel and any time the ark is open or when the Torah is being paraded around.

One of the most confusing moments is the Kaddish — do only mourners stand, or does everyone stand? The article offered a little guidance here:

“Now, what should you do when some people stand for a Kaddish? How do you decide if you’re one of the people who stands? Judaism values the custom of the community. So, if you don’t know what to do, look and see what the majority of the other congregants are doing. If most are standing, the respectful thing to do is to stand. If most are sitting, take a seat. If it’s relatively evenly divided, do whichever you’d prefer, but be consistent — if you stand for one Kaddish, stand for them all.”

Has that covered it all? Not at all — standing and sitting is only part of the choreography of prayer. There are steps forward, back, bowing (how low?) and even, at some synagogues on Friday night during Lecha Dodi, some turn around and bow to the door (we are welcoming the Shabbos Queen). This can feel uncomfortable if you have never done it before, but once you do it, you will find it is a lovely ritual.

The article ends with this: The general rule of going by what you see the community doing holds in every situation, and if you see a variety of responses within the community, that means you can go either way.

I hope this response was helpful. You may now be seated.

“How to Be a Perfect Stranger” answers many questions about many different occasions and rituals, from attending a service to going to a bar mitzvah, a wedding or a bris. Those who are well versed and experienced often forget all the details when inviting friends to an event.

Try to imagine going somewhere new and having a million questions — from what to wear to what will be expected.

Many of us will be having guests at our seder. Remember, even if your guests are Jewish and have been to a seder many times, your seder may be different and your family may do things differently (although you are so accustomed to your ways you may forget).

There are lots of things to tell guests for seder, but perhaps most important: DON’T FORGET TO MENTION THAT WE WON’T BE EATING RIGHT AWAY!

Laura Seymour is Jewish Experiential Learning director and Camp director emeritus at the Aaron Family JCC.