By Rabbi Yerachmiel D. Fried

Dear Rabbi,

You once explained the commandment to “not covet” as a path to control jealousy. You agreed, however, that you can’t be expected to not be jealous to begin with; the mitzvah gives guidelines to deal with that jealousy. My question is, by then, isn’t it too late? If you were already jealous for a period of time, until you worked on it, you already transgressed the commandment! Furthermore, this seems to be an injunction forbidding jealousy. How can jealousy, a normal human emotion, be forbidden?

Mel J.

Dear Mel,

One of the classical commentators, R’ Avraham Ibn Ezra, provides insight into this subject. He explains that we are only jealous of, or covet, something that we believe could actually become ours. For example, when we see a friend, colleague or coworker achieve a heightened level of financial success, we may be overcome by jealousy. When we observe, however, a king basking in the splendor of his riches, we don’t feel envious. Why this discrepancy?

The difference is clear. We recognize we are not kings. We were not born into royal families and do not yearn for things we know could not possibly become ours. We might, however, be envious of our neighbor who we believe is no more capable than ourselves. “Lo sachmod — Do not covet…” teaches us a profound lesson in G-d’s involvement in our lives and livelihoods. The Almighty has provided each person with his or her needs. What is appropriate for one is not necessarily fitting for another. What belongs to another is as much out of reach as if your friend was royalty.

I think this explanation is inherent within the verse itself. The commandment to not covet our friend’s ox and donkey is uttered in the same breath that we may not covet his wife. This is hinting to us that just as my friend’s wife is completely off limits to me (that’s his royalty), so too, the rest of his possessions are to be viewed as completely out of reach. Consequently, you will not covet those belongings.

This mitzvah doesn’t command us to quash our emotions. It rather gives us a direction in life which enables us to control our emotions. Natural emotions have a place; otherwise they would not have been created within us. Our job, as Jews, is to control our emotions, utilizing them when appropriate, remaining above them when inappropriate. At times you and I will be faced with the natural emotional challenge of jealousy. At that time, we need to focus on the above lesson and we can regain our control.

Taking this a step further, to not covet is the ultimate purpose of all of the Ten Commandments. This we learn from the fact that it is the last of the commandments, and the Sages have taught us that “Sof maaseh b’machshava techila — The final action manifests the original intention.” Why would this be so? Why would “not coveting” be the ultimate goal of all the Commandments? The answer is, if one truly believes in “I am the Lord your G-d,” then one will trust in that G-d to provide their every need and be sure that what they have is exactly what their Father in heaven deems appropriate for them.

This is why the parallel of not coveting in the Ten Commandments is honoring one’s father and mother. Like one trusts his loving and caring parents to anticipate and arrange his needs, so too, he learns to extrapolate that trust to G-d. This commandment is, more than any other, relevant to our lives, day by day, hour by hour, situation by situation. I was always amazed by my father, ob”m, at the way he expressed joy at the financial successes of others, although he made only a modest income. My understanding was that my father, as a Holocaust survivor, maintained his joy by simply being alive and enjoying the simple pleasures he was blessed with. This enabled him not only to not covet what others had, but also to fully join in the joy of others in their successes, a joy untainted by the desire of it coming to himself.

Note further that, in general, prohibitions in the Torah apply only to actions, not emotions or feelings. Although the spirit of the law may be to control and properly direct our emotions, the letter of the law only applies to actions. In this case, two separate terminologies are used in the Ten Commandments: 

“Lo sachmod — Do not covet”; and

“Lo sisaveh — Don’t desire,” lustfully, the possessions of your neighbor.

The second prohibition (“Lo sisaveh”) applies to one who desires another’s belongings and makes concrete plans to obtain them. This would apply even if you were not successful in obtaining the object, since actual plans were made. The first expression, “Lo sachmod” (do not covet) is a related prohibition. When a person takes action and pressures the owner to give or sell the item he desires, he violates “do not covet.” Although the seller ultimately agrees to sell the item, if he was coerced or pressured into making the sale, “Lo sachmod” has been violated.

The prohibition applies both when the buyer pressures the owner directly or has other people apply the pressure on his behalf. Items for sale generally don’t fall into this category. Asking once or twice to purchase an item not for sale is also acceptable, without applying pressure. Imagine a situation where a developer requires a particular parcel of land to complete a development. If the owner indicates that he is not interested in selling and the developer pressures him to sell, the developer has violated the prohibition of “Lo sachmod.” This is an example of a mitzvah which is to ultimately refine our emotions and feelings but has concrete guidelines in Jewish law to make this mitzvah actionable. Although the Almighty wants our hearts, our key responsibility is in the realm of actions.

Sincerely,

Rabbi Yerachmiel Fried

Rabbi Yerachmiel D. Fried is dean of DATA-Dallas Area Torah Association.